When my marriage ended in 2013 I felt a large void consume my heart. The only love I’d ever known was the love of my high school sweetheart. I was a relationship girl at my core. So, every relationship I entered before marriage I assumed would automatically lead to the happily ever after we all dream about. Walking away from my broken marriage was one of the toughest decisions of my life. Why? I was walking into the unknown as an adult woman with two children to support. I was comfortable in a household with my husband sharing expenses, bills, and rent. Now, everything would be on me until the divorce was finalized.
I knew logically I was making the right decision. The marriage was dying and we needed to go our separate ways. But, the emotional baggage that I was carrying would slow me down mentally and spiritually. I felt broken in many ways. Automatically I felt the desire to fill that void in my life with a companion. After all, the world teaches us it’s better to be in a relationship than miserable and alone. For two years, I was in and out of situation-ships, some good, bad, and very ugly. I was not getting what I needed from the relationships. I always felt like I was pursuing a relationship with someone and working twice as hard to maintain it. Even if I knew the relationship was causing me emotional and spiritual turmoil. I wanted someone to spend my in between times with and give me a little attention.
Once my marriage was finalized in 2015, I felt a sense of release and confidence like never before. I was so sick and tired of having the awkward conversation of explaining my last name. Going through trial and error of putting my life back together and feeling like I was drowning more than I was actually swimming. I needed a rebirth or a second chance to reclaim my life.
I didn’t want to become one of those women who associated all men as being dogs. Whose heart had become hard as ice and every word out of her mouth was bitter and negative. I still believed in love despite the many many wounds I endured. By the time 2016 arrived, I was ready to finally unlearn everything I knew about love. I was mentally ready to receive the right type of love that I deserved. After all, people were still getting married and it existed in other forms around me.
Here’s how I learned to trust in love again:
- Forgive me and my ex-husband: We married for love and not hate. We were not prepared for the marriage and that’s okay to admit.
- Understand the way you love first: I love from a place of genuineness and honesty. I can’t turn my love off like a faucet. Once I love you, it’s nearly impossible for me to stop. My love is a plant. It needs to receive the same type of love that I give to others.
- Being single is a blessing: During my single months and years, I learned more about myself that I never knew. It was a period of discovery and healing. While being single in the beginning was hard and challenging. It was important for me to be alone to give myself the love I was seeking in others.
- Love equals wholeness: I jumped into my marriage with the eagerness of a school girl. I ran right into womanhood with real-life adult problems. I looked to my husband to fulfill the spaces inside of me that were incomplete or lacking. If he didn’t do this or that, he didn’t love me. I can’t say he didn’t love me. But, I did place false expectations of love on him. I was half complete when I entered the relationship. Now I understand I need to be whole within me before searching for the missing parts in another.
- Time is my friend: I ran away from the breakdown of my marriage and family. It was too painful to admit or discuss openly. I was beautiful and smart, so men would automatically be attracted to me. But, I learned the hard way that just because someone likes you, doesn’t mean they value you. Time is my friend because I learned I am worth so much more than just on the surface relationship or interaction with people. Time allowed me to rebuild my heart and give love a second chance with a renewed mindset.
It’s 2018, I’m not in a committed relationship with anyone. And for the first time in my life. That’s okay with me. I’ve come full circle when it comes to choosing love. My feet are firmly planted on the ground and my heart remains open to the right possibilities. I’ve fought to become this strong warrior goddess of love. I want to honor her every day and in every way, I can each day. I’m not settling and I’m no rush to jump into something temporary. I’m waiting for a love of my own and until that day comes I’m giving all that love to me.
Do you still believe in love? Why or why not? Tell me about it.
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